Man, for serious ima get shot by my friends for writing this shit. Ladies I’m about to tell you everything you should know about guys. Specifically how to get them. Exactly what we feel and exactly what we’re looking for from you so called women. Yeah, some of you swear to God that you know exactly what guys want, how to attract them, blah blah blah blah. This is some from behind enemy lines shit. Some of you girls need some serious help and tend to do things ass backwards. So I throw myself on the sword here, risking losing the respect of my wingmen, just to give you broads a fucking clue. Grab a pen and paper and listen up. in no particular order.

• Lonely People in Canada

There’s something wrong with the thought of a grown woman in her late 20’s, spending a month working on her profile page, picking the right music, the right background with perfect effects. I mean it screams loser. When I think of a grown and sexy woman I think of a woman who is focused and has some drive in life not someone who picks LC as the person they’d most want to meet. The worst question that can come out of a girls mouth when she’s talking to me is, “what’s your myspace” .

Don’t wear mom jeans and a sweat shirt. Don’t show up in a pony tail. DONT WEAR UGGS. Be the great catch that you are. Get your hair done and your nails did. Be skinny and wear them skinny jeans or them trues or if you have a nice phatty rock the apple bottoms. This all depends on the venue of course but no matter what you must look your hottest at all events when you meet his friends for the first year of the relationship.

• Loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Canada-dating-service.html?page=62

The last thing you want them to say is, “she’s aight…. I guess” If your man hears this he’ll start thinking he can do better. I mean his friends thought so and so before you was “hot”. Shit now we have to 1 up.

If you gave a guy you’re number and he calls and you see it’s him, act like you’ve done this before and pick up the fucking phone. DON’T TEXT back don’t wait four hours or for him to call a couple of days later. Pick it up. A guy took time out of masturbating his busy life to call and show interest the least you can do is pick up or call him back as soon as you’re available. Phone games are for children. Girls who show interest by picking up the phone get invited to everything first.

When you feel you ready and want to let a dude hit, then let him hit. It doesn’t have to be on the first date but seriously, after the third date guys start keeping track of expenditures. If you’re making a guy wait just to make him wait even though you know you want to get physical, all you’ll be doing is making him bitter. After that he’ll just fuck you for a return on investment but decide you play too many games to be serious with. Now I know most girls want to make sure both parties know each other fully. But the truth is before we start caring about knowing you all we want to make sure is that the sex is good. We have the rest of the relationship to get to “know” each other but what’s the point if the sex sucks. So everything that comes out of your mouth goes in one ear and goes out the other till 1) we see you naked or 2) you “think” we know each other well enough to see you naked.

• Loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Canada-dating-service.html?page=50

Would you take advice from a bum on how to make a billion dollars? How about sex advice from a virgin or marriage advice from someone who’s never been married? No? So why are you taking relationship advice from that one friend who hasn’t been in a serious relationship that’s lasted longer than a year and a half. Just because her thighs have seen more action than a KFC bucket at a black family reunion doesn’t mean she knows how to keep a guy happy in a relationship. If you haven’t noticed misery loves company so you being in a happy relationship before her is the last thing on her mind. As soon as it does go wrong she’ll be the first one saying, “see girlfriend, I told you he was no good from the jump. What you need to do is either become a lesbian or kill yourself…. just sayin”

Are some of you serious! I don’t know how YOUR sexual awakening went but I’m sure giving a hand job should have been somewhere up there in the early stages. This is a real soar spot between my friends and I. First off I don’t know if some have you noticed or not but it’s not detachable so why are you trying to physically remove it from it’s base. It’s not a twizzler stick, so why are you trying to “slide and twist” it off? Ease up on that kung fu grip. A little spit never hurt nobody but it does hurt without it. The only acceptable way to hold it, no matter what hand you use is, pinky to base. And for the love of God no matter what you do, under no circumstance is it ok to flick the balls. I repeat do not flick the balls. Technically women over 25 should not be giving hand jobs.

• Loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Canada-dating-service.html?page=39

My friend recently got a number from a girl he chatted up on Saturday. She warmed up to him during the pickup he got her number and said he’d chat with her before he left the club. Staying true to his word he stopped by before we bounced. The second time she came off cold like she didn’t just talk to him 45 minutes ago and give him her number. He has no intentions of calling her. If she flips it that quick in that short amount of time, I wonder how receptive she’ll be on the phone, being asked out on a date. If she was interested I bet she’ll tell her friends how she’s tired of giving her number out and guys not calling. By now us guys realize that you girls would give your number to a chimp to get it to go away. But if you do want us to call then show some REALL interest back. Your energy and vibe should match his IF you want him to call.

I don’t know why but some girls feel the need to tell you EVERY thing about themselves BEFORE date two. I know you think we should really know each other on the next level but I don’t know if it’s wise to tell us about the seven abortions you had in high school. It might not be a good idea to bring up that incest incident that happened on your family camping trip or that weird disease you had were the doctors had to take out four feet of your colon. But if you do have a sex addiction please bring that up when we ask for your phone number.

• Loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Canada-dating-service.html?page=92

Duh… I can’t believe I even had to mention this

At least wait for a handful of dates before you get drunk and cry for no reason. I recently hooked up with a chick then afterwards she came out of the bathroom in tears. Thinking she was upset with my 3 minute performance or the fact that I accidently called her Megan Fox during the heat of passion. She revealed through tears that despite being 28 and graduating from The Dirty R, I was the second person she’s ever slept with, so she was feeling a little emotional…… hmmmm sucks to be you, gotta go!